Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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