I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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