mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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