I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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