I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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