You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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