Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
