What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
