Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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