When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
