is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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