sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
