i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
