I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
