I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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