Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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