Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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