if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.