He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.