if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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