Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
