Swine flu. Run for my life!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
