It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
