my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
