I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
