I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
