I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
