did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
