Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
