note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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