Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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