Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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