Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Are we in a gay sports bar?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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