i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
