can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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