He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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