Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
