booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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