i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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