At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
