Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
