the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
