Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
