What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
