Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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