the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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