high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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