Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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