Pappa wants mamma naked
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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