There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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