Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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