I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
