okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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