You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
