I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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