Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
