Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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