sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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