I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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