I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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