im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize