I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
