There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian