i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
