Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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