I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.