is your mom at the bar?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
