So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
