I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
